Newspaper photo by Black Custard on Flickr. Creative Commons attribution license.

And now, for something completely different…

A cross posting of a similar blog post by BigFishMag.

Check out BigFishMag’s site for more hilarious goodness.

This is a list of things I’ve heard and that have been bothering me in no specific order.

I don’t give a rat’s ass

I’m talking to my friend, telling him that I’ve been reaching late for work since my bus arrives late. He turns to me and says, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” I kicked his ass for being stupid. What makes people think that I want a rat’s ass? I don’t think I’ve ever in my life, remotely hinted at the possibility of wanting one. What good would come out of receiving it? What can I do with it? Would a rat’s ass make me feel better? Oh! Your bus ain’t on time? Take this rat’s ass and notice your sorrows disappear.

Anyways, who keeps a rat’s ass? You need to be really – I can’t stress enough on really – twisted to have one of them rat’s asses in your possession. By twisted I mean somewhere between deranged and ‘if I jump from this building, I think I’ll fly’ crazy. I haven’t spent enough time looking at rat to figure out if it has an ass… let alone one that is worth keeping. If someone actually had a rat’s ass which I presume he painstakingly amputated off a rat, using magnifying equipments and the latest modern technology, would he actually give it away? And when exactly would he give a rat’s ass? If I became the President? Bullshit! You think I want that when I became the President? Is it the greatest international award bestowed for outstanding work done in any field? Maybe if you were offering a supermodel’s ass I would think about it else you can just keep that rat’s ass and shove it.

… no offense meant

Every once in a while you’ll meet a pussy who’ll tell you something and then append it with “… no offense meant”. Example: You suck… no offense meant. Like that makes a difference. Guess what? Offense is mine to be taken and I’ll be damned if I don’t. I’m going to go ahead, whack the guy with a shovel and say, “You’re an idiot… no head concussion meant”. You want to say something come out and say it. Stop hiding being words, verbal cowards!

Politically incorrect

Yes, there is no spelling mistake. This phrase has started to piss me off for no end. In this shithole of a country where you have politicians allegedly making statements such as, “I’ll cut their hands off,” “If you arrest me I’ll make this city will burn” and “Leonardo DaPinchy is a great online writer and he should fuck my daughters.” Do you really think anyone is politically correct? And don’t act all holy because it’s not just politicians. I’ve heard people from varied states, languages, religions, color, breast sizes coming up with some fucked up thoughts. Now, if there isn’t anyone politically correct you can’t have anything politically incorrect. Just say what you want without adding some tag to it.

I think with my heart

“The heart is a myogenic muscular organ found in all animals with a circulatory system (including all vertebrates), that is responsible for pumping blood throughout the blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions.” – Wikipedia

You read that? The heart is responsible for ‘pumping blood throughout the blood vessels’ and not for thinking. Also, ‘repeated, rhythmic contractions’ doesn’t really help in logical and computational activities. Redirect any decision/ thinking activity to your brain for better results. For example consider your PC, you use your hard-drive to store mp3s of bands that you are such big fans of that you don’t even want to spend a single buck on buying their CDs which they spend countless hours to create. You don’t store your mp3s in your speakers, do you? There is a place for everything. Like your head up your ass.

General observation, people who manage the biologically impossible act of ‘thinking with their heart’ usually make stupid decisions like deciding on a life partner when they haven’t even achieved an erection or the female equivalent. They end up fucking with their lives rather than fucking with their cocks or the female equivalent.

I’m better than you

Once in a while, you’ll meet a dumbass with an ego the size of Rasputin’s cock who’ll go on and on about how he’s better than you. I’m hardly the symbol of excellence in anything. Being better than me means nothing, stupid fucks! Next time someone says ‘I’m better than you’, I’m asking for some goddamn statistical evidence with a step by step proof using Newton-Rapston method and when his mathematically challenged ass is fumbling, I’ll pull his pants off and run away. Let’s see him be better than me without his pants on in full public view.

These ego retards also indulge in the belief that is,
I’m the centre of the universe

If you use this phrase, here’s why you are stupid.

1. The moon revolves around the earth. Here the earth is bigger in size.
2. The earth revolves around the sun. Here the sun is bigger in size.

So, if you think the universe revolves around you, you are the fattest fucking cocksucker alive. Hit the treadmill and start dieting.

I’m a fun loving person

Oh! You love fun? Not me! I love to be impaled by an iron rod which is at 2861 degree Celsius, from behind. Everyone loves fun. No one expects to sit home on a weekend and eat their arm off due to boredom. It should be illegal to say something stupid. People deserve to be shot. Who’s with me?

I’m a sarcastic person

A few sarcastic replies doesn’t make you a sarcastic person. Especially assholes who come up with sarcastic replies to rhetorical questions. You didn’t discover it. The ‘sarcastic reply to rhetorical questions’ has been done for more times than Paris Hilton. Give it a rest. For example, I saw someone drop a brick on their feet so I asked, “Did you get hurt?” The cunt says, “What do you think? A brick just fell on my feet. Hurt? No way! I think I just had an orgasm and I came in my pants. Wait here while I change my soiled underwear.” Oh wait! I was the one who dropped the brick on my feet. So as I was saying, what kind of dumbass asks stupid rhetorical questions? I should drop a brick on his feet and then see if it’s hurts.

Related books from Flipkart

Support Fly, You Fools! Buy these incredible books now. OMFG!! They’re so cheap and nice etc!

The practical moral police is back. Previous encounters with the P.M.P. – Resheduling TV Soap Operas, Store Music Suckage, Ideal Wash Basin Behaviour.

Well lately Apple took that campaign to a new low. Making fun of Microsoft’s advertising budget. And that from a company which practically survives on over hyped, heavily HEAVILY advertised products. Next thing they’ll say is Melinda Gates is fat.

Also, previously: Apple’s ad agency would die if they couldn’t mock Microsoft.

Previous Moral Policing: 1. Ideal Wash Basin Behavior, 2. Store Music Sucks

Further reading on Indian Soap Operas: Wikipedia Page

I don’t know if it’s just a Delhi thing, but every other store I go to seems to be tuned in to the mid-nineties-suckfest radio channel. Worst offenders are:

• ALL the coffee shops (Barista, Coffee Day, Costa)
• The new swanky retail chains (Shoppers’ Stop, 24×7, Pantaloons)
• Fast food joints (McDonald’s, KFC, Yo China)

All are playing one hit wonders from 10 years back. Last week I was dining in Ruby Tuesday and they were playing Ice Ice Baby.

It’s got to be one of these explanations:

1. These are the only songs the store managers know because they stopped listening to new music once they got out of college.
2. New songs are not allowed to be played publically by the record companies.
3. Retail Experts believe since most of the customers are in the 30-40 age group, they can identify these songs, because (as with point 1), they stopped listening to new music once they got out of college. And these songs bring back good nostalgic memories.
4. Nobody really cares as long as there’s a continuous stream of sound.

Some solutions:

1. All music released before 1980 is cool to play.
2. All music released after 2000 is cool to play.
3. All music released in the 80s should be destroyed.
4. All music released in the 90s should be saved, but not played.
5. All music released in the 60s and 70s is super cool, and should be played more often.

More Moral Police: 1