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The Obligatory Commonwealth Games Comic - | Indian comics about life and irritations.
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Monday, September 13th, 2010 | Filed under Comic 19 Comments

Mumbai taxi photo by Akshay Mahajan

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Another Guest Post – By @gkhamba

Now I know this comic won’t be winning any comedy awards, so to distract readers from the lameness I’m including a guest post from Khamba’s Blog. If you’re on Twitter you already know @gkhamba, the writer extraordinaire who tells it like it is.

James Michener once said,

I love writing.  I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions

And @gkhamba recently said,

Avoid using ‘shit happens‘ in front of diarrhea patients

So you instantly know you’re dealing with a quality gentleman, who’s humour fits right in with Fly You Fools. So no need for any bad language, offensive subjects and obscene mental imagery disclaimers & warnings.

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Athlete Preparation Letter issued by the Commonwealth Organizing Committee

Dear Athlete!

Greetings from New Delhi, the capital of India. Or as the Chinese say, Southern Pakistan.

We are pleased to welcome you to the XIXth edition of the prestigious Commonwealth Games as long as you’re white. As you might have known already, our nation has a rich history of sporting tradition and excellence. Our ancient kushti (wrestling) gave birth to skin coloured lingerie and the procedure now commonly referred to as the bikini wax.

Our political system has long personified the Olympic traditions of Citius, Altius, Fortius and displayed sportsman like behaviour whether it be towards Mr. Warren Anderson, Jagdish Tytler, Afzal Guru or even Mr. Narendra Modi and if it weren’t for our rural youth skillfully jumping nose clogged into filthy drains to take a dip, the sport of diving as we know it would not have reached where it has today. Needless to say, we look forward to having you at this event so that we can finally justify the production of those ridiculously expensive Incredible India commercials because of which we got these Games.

Before you embark on your visit however, we urge you to go through the materials provided in this envelope so that you can further supplement your knowledge of India. You will find a movie DVD about the ancient history of India called Jodhaa Akbar, Yoga can cure homosexuality booklet by ancient healer Baba Ramdev, doing the Kama Sutra like the Macarena guide for diabetics by Shri Shri Emraan Hashmi and Making sense of your miserable fuck existence by Deepak Chopra. All of these shall help you build perspective before you undertake your enchanting journey across Delhi and better understand why tourists expand INDIA as I’ll Never Do It Again.

Besides these materials, you are also advised to go through the following points in order to make your stay in Delhi more comfortable:

At the airport: Unless you’re Somalian, we assume you will visit Delhi by plane. The first thing you will notice is how our airport is located next to a major slum cluster. While some people call it Vasant Kunj, it’s really just a slum cluster. While this might give you the impression that we are a poor country and these are meant to emotionally appeal to IMF and World Bank officials handing out loans, these are actually our primary disaster relief centres. Since the Delhi airport doesn’t have a functioning radar or CAT III landing system, these people are the only ones who might help you in the event of a plane crash. So don’t be alarmed.

Next, you are also advised to get a tan from a solarium before arriving. Freshly arrived sweaty white people who turn bright pink even if the temperature is only 20 degrees Celsius is what a stuffed turkey is to a Jew in a concentration camp. Getting a tan will also lead to a sharp drop in your cab fare – a 10% drop with every shade you grow darker. Unless Of course you’re African, in which case if you didn’t get the hint in the first three words of this letter already, stay the fuck in your country.

Interesting people: Delhi also has an eclectic mix of people from across races and cultures. When you take a cab, you will notice a bearded man in a sweaty turban as your driver. He is not Osama. He is a Sikh (pronounced S:iKKh – not Seekh – that is a type of kebab) Yes he wears the turban all the time. Yes, sometimes also while having sex. No they aren’t allowed to cut their hair. Yes, not women either. No – no English.

You will also encounter another muscular species who you will always find in tight fake branded T-shirt, embroidered jeans, sneakers, religious paraphernalia dangling from the neck and with hair mildly smelling of Jasmine oil. He is what we call a “rapist”. You will encounter such rapists across the city all fitting a similar description, specifically in cars with an HR or UP number plate, auto rickshaws and every market you choose to visit. Sometimes you will even see two of them holding hands with your head going “Wow, what a free country!” while infact given the opportunity they will fuck you like a turn-based strategy video game.

Delhi also has a vast Muslim community; however it has been ghettoized much the same way it has been across all of Europe. So you don’t have to be afraid of terrorism. According to latest media reports there is a higher chance of Red, Saffron or Khap terror striking the Games anyway.

Crime and stray animals: Along with not being allowed to click their pictures, you are also not allowed to keep bitching about how stray dogs and cattle make Delhi look completely filthy. The way we see it, we treat our stray dogs and cattle much better than most European countries treat their minorities. Just think of these animals as our version of the Roma community in France. Or the Turks in Germany. Our stray animals have much better shelter, food and social security as compared to your minorities. Or if you want to flip the argument, as long as you allow skinheads to walk your streets, we allow stray dogs and cows to walk ours. Whose streets are safer and filthier? You decide.

This leads us to crime in Delhi (Not Noida/Gurgaon). You are advised not to go out alone at night and keep a look out for potential rapists on the streets. i.e. men. If you are walking around wearing a chain, be careful of biker gangs ripping it off your neck. That said these are only applicable if you’re white. However, we are confident that since most of you come from countries where getting mugged on the streets, knife crime and a gun culture is more prominent, you will be able to fully defend yourself in every situation. Also, unlike Europeans who prefer spiking your drink and making you unconscious first, Indian men like raping you while you’re awake and kicking. But what’s the point of being an athlete if you can’t even outrun some poor Indian men on the streets?

Thus, rest assured that your stay in Delhi will be completely safe.

Delicious food: There is no such thing as medium spicy. Get over it. Cheese means paneer, and Cheese Fingers means “WTF is this shit?!” The same way we don’t complain about how British food is absolutely tasteless, or how none of the African countries in the Commonwealth even seem to have any food at all – the same way we expect you to eat whatever shit we feed you. If you want European food, look under the “Continental” section in the menu since that is the continent we think we deserve to belong to. You can then eat whatever the hell you want, but don’t crib about how India isn’t as cheap as it was supposed to be cost wise.

Also avoid eating delicacies such as Cholle Bhature and Chicken Manchurian as they contain banned substances as stated under WADA guidelines.

Only for illustrative purposes

Photographic opportunities: As per Commonwealth guidelines, all white people are forbidden from clicking pictures of the following subjects:

Cows on the streets, stray dogs on the streets, men holding each others hands, balloon sellers, beggars, beggars in Old Delhi, beggars in New Delhi, beggars at red lights, spelling mistakes on signboards, piles of clothes at Sarojini Nagar market, random Sikhs in multi-coloured turbans, children holding hands or candles at NGOs, kites stuck in overhead electric cables, in front of temples/gurudwaras of any kind, people shitting while squatting, homeless people on pavements, auto-rickshaws, people hanging out of auto-rickshaws, people on top of buses, people hanging out of buses, buses on fire, Chandini Chowk, samosas and tea, veiled Muslim woman, veiled Muslim woman looking with intense eyes, India Gate, bunch of random kids around India Gate, holding the Parliament from the top, bread pakoras and tea and vice versa.

These restrictions have been put in place to prevent a spurt in supply of the same old clusterfuck photo collection every foreigner seems to go away with from Delhi. If you don’t have the imagination, don’t take a fucking picture.

Blink! And you lose: Delhi has an interesting relationship with the female anatomy. Not only is it a boob city, it is a city full of boobs. Thus, all our men concentrate on boobs as if it’s an anagram from the Da Vinci Code. While some of you may find this disturbing, please realise that it is the same situation our countrymen and women face in most European countries – except that our face is the boob. This leads to many uncomfortable gropes and mishandlings by European security personnel – especially at airports and other critical locations, because of which a tit-for-that policy was implemented nation wide.

However if this situation makes you uncomfortable, traditional horse blinkers are available at the official CWG Merchandise Store at the CWG headquarters for 19.99 $ each

Thursday’s are ladies nights: And finally, while we expect you to attend the various “cultural activities” we have in store for you at the Games village (such as Rajasthani Dance, Camel Ride, Snake charming, Bhangra Night with Jasbir Jassi and Kathak performances from some state down south) you can go clubbing if accompanied by atleast 5 more athletes. While we realise that it might be flattering to get offered drinks by every man in the club, please do not believe anyone who says they are a Bollywood actor or director. Other people to avoid include model casters for the show Emotional Atyachaar and touts who say they will offer to show you the Qutub Minar, which is code for their dick.

And finally, there is no language called “Hindu”. There is no Hindi word for Cheers. You don’t need to carry your entire fucking medicine cabinet with you when you’re here for two weeks. We are not all software engineers. Kashmir is ours. Shah Rukh Khan is not a great actor. No you cannot attend an Indian wedding no matter how much you want to. It’s not necessary that you will lose weight. We’re not a poor country, just our people are poor. No one gives a fuck about Netball and China sucks.

Warm Regards

The Commonwealth Games OC

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Don’t forget to share this on Twitter and Facebook. Use the share buttons below. Remember, every time you don’t tweet this, a child (me) goes hungry.

Wrestler photo by Jean-Marc on Flickr. CC Attribution, Commercial, Remix license. Most of the others are mine. A few are popular orphan images picked up from the flotsam of the internet.
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Comments

  1. 2
    Arnold D'Souza // September 13th, 2010 at 1:00 am

    “There’s no Hindi word for ‘Cheers’!”

    I cannot describe the sheer frustration that I’ve experienced each of the million times I’ve been asked this! Haha! Good post!

  2. 3
    almostinfamous // September 13th, 2010 at 1:27 am

    the guest post could have been slightly less lame. prefer the comic. as my school teachers used to say, can do better! started off well, but kind of lost it’s thought process.

  3. 4
    Rakesh // September 13th, 2010 at 9:53 am

    DUDEEEE! I get the “My wife was pregnant and Now we have a baby joke” . BUT its all being the same. Remember The ISP Comic? :P The jokes are coming back all over again! :P Need Something NEW, which after Reading I’ll look like this –> O.O

    The Guest Post was Hilarious! :D

  4. 5
    Abhishek // September 13th, 2010 at 9:54 am

    I almost died laughing “When you take a cab, you will notice a bearded man in a sweaty turban as your driver. He is not Osama.”

    Comic was not that lame. You made a point. After monsoons Delhi will have to face Wrath of CWG.

  5. 6
    saadakhtar // September 13th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    @Rakesh: You are right. I did not notice this before.. yup, it’s time for new thoughts and directions or it’ll end up like South Park. Also the skin tone thing, that was a repetition. Thanks for pointing it out :)

  6. 7
    Roshan // September 13th, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Saad, sorry if I sound rude, but the comics was not of the quality of your previous comics.

    The brochure was good and there were a few jokes here and there that were really good like the “He’s not OSAMA”. But overall, this comics could not be rated above a 2.5. Sorry Again

    Roshan Jha

  7. 8
    saadakhtar // September 13th, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    @roshan: Not rude at all. :D Like I said, it’s a lame comic trying to lift itself out of lameness through an accompanying guest post. Thanks for the 2.5 stars…

  8. 9
    Xacarob // September 13th, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Vasant Kunj is NOT a slum motherfucker!!! it’s the FTW-est place ever!!

    Ahem, nice article otherwise, and half-assed comic.

    Flyyoufools, dude, this was like a forced crap one takes due to a lack of fibre in the diet. It has all the satisfaction of a regular dump, but the process of going through it makes you wish you ate your cardboard-like bran cereal.

    On a more positive (and self preservation inducing) note, good to see regular comics.

    Vasant Kunj FTW!

  9. 10
    AD // September 13th, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Guest Post is teh shit.

    Also, the scandalized gorilla! :D

  10. 11
    saadakhtar // September 13th, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    @Xacarob: Hey fuck you man! You’re just pissed because you busted your life savings and willingly entered into a life long bonded-ass-slavery home loan to buy a 1.5 bedroom flat in Vasant Kunj. You just hate Khamba for pointing that out (This is between you and him – I’m staying out of it).

    Also, you pissing on the comic? I’m back in.

    Hey it’s not easy being a sell out to popular trends you know! There’s pressure from all sides to produce something, and sometimes what you squeeze out of your constipated mind is not up to the “expectations” of the “general public”. Just because you came out with exceptional creative stuff in the past doesnt mean that river will keep flowing forever. Artists burn out. Phases get over. And ALL THESE are exactly why the AR Rehman CWG anthem sucks donkey ass.

    About this comic, well yes it’s total crap. In fact, I read Khamba’s post and thought how best to exploit it for my own profit. Initially was planning to do a dual comic thing, but got lazy over the weekend. I’m still making the other comic, it’ll be out in 2 days. That’s much better. It’s on a totally non-cliched topic: Cows on Indian roads. Total ass-rippingly-funny stuff!

  11. 13
    saurabh // September 14th, 2010 at 11:22 am

    two non-funny comics in a row… why just the crutches, let khamba post his stick figures here.

  12. 14
    Pedantic Dude // September 15th, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    Sorry to nitpick, but the physics of the last-but-one panel don’t work out.

    If, as it appears, the guy is a taxi driver, what is he doing driving around with his wife in the passenger (or back) seat? Shouldn’t she be taking a bus, or at best an auto?

    On the other hand, if this is a shot of a taxi from behind, the guy is sitting in an extremely improbable position (lotus position on the back seat, facing the rear windshield?). He looks in insufficient pain for someone sitting like that.

    The only explanation I can think of is that the taxi was empty to begin with, but the driver met his wife while in the jam, impregnated her, and had a baby. Maybe you intended that.

  13. 15
    Moavi // September 16th, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    @Pedantic Dude: Are you at the Indi Institatta of Tech perchance (the one in the Airport’s funnel area – hope you guys will have the time to help passengers in case of a plane *****)? It’s a fukin comic dude – what’s wrong with a taxi with visible tail lights? In any case, you didn’t notice the difference between the mustachioed taxi driver and the clean-shaven passenger. Perhaps the engineering jackfruit-sized part of your brain interferes with the reasoning and social pea-sized part? I’m sure you’re a virgin still..

    @Saad: Awesome comic, and the best post afterwards. I’ve you on my google Reader mate (see-respect)! Yep – Get Khabma to write more posts like these on FYF.com. Better still (but worse for business), point your readers to Khamba’s blog :) It’s the first time in my life that I’ve really lol’d! Wifey thinks me crazy.

  14. 16
    saadakhtar // September 16th, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Pedantic, Moavi: Whoa chill there dudes.

    Pedantic: The first person to pop out is the driver. The second person to pop out is the passenger. His wife and child remains in the car. We can assume he impregnated the wife 9 months before the traffic jam started (maybe during a previous jam). We won’t go into the details there.

    Also, the angle. Well, if you look at the comics, you’ll see they’re made using photos. I don’t often get multiple angles of the same characters, so have to stick with on photo. Similarly, didnt have a front shot of the taxis. These weird angles are bound to happen. And now they’re part of the Fly You Fools look. Can’t be changed.

    Moavi: Thanks. Glad you liked it. You’ll see I’ve linked to Khamba’s blog in the article… There’s no loss of business as such.

  15. 17
    Arnold // October 1st, 2010 at 12:34 am

    haahhahaha!
    Great comic and and a hilarious article! xD
    Actually, the comics are awesome & getting better after the slump that occurred a couple of months ago.

  16. 18
    Deepak // November 11th, 2010 at 4:40 am

    Everyone likes boobies. It’s just that we are too confident of ourselves to stop staring, and when the chance comes, lapping one rare, heaven-sent opportunity is the most sensible thing to do. Remember how hard it still is to find sex (either u pay for it or go on a hunger-unto-death strike with your girlfriend.) Actually, I’ve noticed westerners totally ignore the more conspicuous of the fruits, instead concentrating right below the waist…Matter of taste I guess!!

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