Newspaper photo by Black Custard on Flickr. Creative Commons attribution license.————————————————————————
And now, for something completely different…
A cross posting of a similar blog post by BigFishMag.
Check out BigFishMag’s site for more hilarious goodness.
This is a list of things I’ve heard and that have been bothering me in no specific order.
I don’t give a rat’s ass
I’m talking to my friend, telling him that I’ve been reaching late for work since my bus arrives late. He turns to me and says, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” I kicked his ass for being stupid. What makes people think that I want a rat’s ass? I don’t think I’ve ever in my life, remotely hinted at the possibility of wanting one. What good would come out of receiving it? What can I do with it? Would a rat’s ass make me feel better? Oh! Your bus ain’t on time? Take this rat’s ass and notice your sorrows disappear.
Anyways, who keeps a rat’s ass? You need to be really – I can’t stress enough on really – twisted to have one of them rat’s asses in your possession. By twisted I mean somewhere between deranged and ‘if I jump from this building, I think I’ll fly’ crazy. I haven’t spent enough time looking at rat to figure out if it has an ass… let alone one that is worth keeping. If someone actually had a rat’s ass which I presume he painstakingly amputated off a rat, using magnifying equipments and the latest modern technology, would he actually give it away? And when exactly would he give a rat’s ass? If I became the President? Bullshit! You think I want that when I became the President? Is it the greatest international award bestowed for outstanding work done in any field? Maybe if you were offering a supermodel’s ass I would think about it else you can just keep that rat’s ass and shove it.
… no offense meant
Every once in a while you’ll meet a pussy who’ll tell you something and then append it with “… no offense meant”. Example: You suck… no offense meant. Like that makes a difference. Guess what? Offense is mine to be taken and I’ll be damned if I don’t. I’m going to go ahead, whack the guy with a shovel and say, “You’re an idiot… no head concussion meant”. You want to say something come out and say it. Stop hiding being words, verbal cowards!
Yes, there is no spelling mistake. This phrase has started to piss me off for no end. In this shithole of a country where you have politicians allegedly making statements such as, “I’ll cut their hands off,” “If you arrest me I’ll make this city will burn” and “Leonardo DaPinchy is a great online writer and he should fuck my daughters.” Do you really think anyone is politically correct? And don’t act all holy because it’s not just politicians. I’ve heard people from varied states, languages, religions, color, breast sizes coming up with some fucked up thoughts. Now, if there isn’t anyone politically correct you can’t have anything politically incorrect. Just say what you want without adding some tag to it.
I think with my heart
“The heart is a myogenic muscular organ found in all animals with a circulatory system (including all vertebrates), that is responsible for pumping blood throughout the blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions.” – Wikipedia
You read that? The heart is responsible for ‘pumping blood throughout the blood vessels’ and not for thinking. Also, ‘repeated, rhythmic contractions’ doesn’t really help in logical and computational activities. Redirect any decision/ thinking activity to your brain for better results. For example consider your PC, you use your hard-drive to store mp3s of bands that you are such big fans of that you don’t even want to spend a single buck on buying their CDs which they spend countless hours to create. You don’t store your mp3s in your speakers, do you? There is a place for everything. Like your head up your ass.
General observation, people who manage the biologically impossible act of ‘thinking with their heart’ usually make stupid decisions like deciding on a life partner when they haven’t even achieved an erection or the female equivalent. They end up fucking with their lives rather than fucking with their cocks or the female equivalent.
I’m better than you
Once in a while, you’ll meet a dumbass with an ego the size of Rasputin’s cock who’ll go on and on about how he’s better than you. I’m hardly the symbol of excellence in anything. Being better than me means nothing, stupid fucks! Next time someone says ‘I’m better than you’, I’m asking for some goddamn statistical evidence with a step by step proof using Newton-Rapston method and when his mathematically challenged ass is fumbling, I’ll pull his pants off and run away. Let’s see him be better than me without his pants on in full public view.
These ego retards also indulge in the belief that is,
I’m the centre of the universe
If you use this phrase, here’s why you are stupid.
1. The moon revolves around the earth. Here the earth is bigger in size.
2. The earth revolves around the sun. Here the sun is bigger in size.
So, if you think the universe revolves around you, you are the fattest fucking cocksucker alive. Hit the treadmill and start dieting.
I’m a fun loving person
Oh! You love fun? Not me! I love to be impaled by an iron rod which is at 2861 degree Celsius, from behind. Everyone loves fun. No one expects to sit home on a weekend and eat their arm off due to boredom. It should be illegal to say something stupid. People deserve to be shot. Who’s with me?
I’m a sarcastic person
A few sarcastic replies doesn’t make you a sarcastic person. Especially assholes who come up with sarcastic replies to rhetorical questions. You didn’t discover it. The ‘sarcastic reply to rhetorical questions’ has been done for more times than Paris Hilton. Give it a rest. For example, I saw someone drop a brick on their feet so I asked, “Did you get hurt?” The cunt says, “What do you think? A brick just fell on my feet. Hurt? No way! I think I just had an orgasm and I came in my pants. Wait here while I change my soiled underwear.” Oh wait! I was the one who dropped the brick on my feet. So as I was saying, what kind of dumbass asks stupid rhetorical questions? I should drop a brick on his feet and then see if it’s hurts.————————————————————————
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